Thursday, October 14, 2010

5 of the Worst Horror Movies I've Ever Seen

There are certain horror movies that jut fall short on so many different things it's hard to take them seriously, and then there are the movies that are so much worse than that there are no words that can describe how utterly lacking they really are. I have searched through my movie collection and picked out five of the worst movies I could find, be warned, if you go into to watching these movies expecting a serious horror film you will be so severely disappointed your entire body may implode, I can not guarantee your safety. If, however, you are looking for a good laugh at some absolutely absurd scenes from horror movies past, enjoy!

5. Killer Klowns from Outer Space

A troop of homicidal, alien clowns land their circus tent spaceship in a small town and terrorize its residents. Do I need to say more? Well I'm going to, while that one sentence may be enough to convince you this movie is probably not going to wow you, it gets worse. It is revealed that the "Klowns" are kidnapping towns people and wrapping them in a cotton candy cocoon that dissolves them into a liquid...which the "Klowns" then drink..through crazy straws. I think you can pretty much gather what the rest of the film is like from there, if you don't ever see this film you're not missing much, but its a good movie to watch if you're in need of a laugh.
No seriously, alien clowns with creme pies.

4. Gingerdead Man

The movie opens with serial killer Millard Findlemeyer, played by Gary Busey, shooting up a diner and killing half of the family that owns it, we're off to an okay start. Findlemeyer is aprehended and sentenced to death, he is then cremated and sent to his mother, who is a witch...bear with me. She mixes his ashes into a ginger bread cookie mix and sends it to the bakery the remaining family members her son hadn't murdered. After deciding to bake the mixture into a large gingerbread man, and accidentally electrocuting it somehow, the giant cookie springs to life and begins murdering people. Give yourself a moment and take all of that in, I'll wait...ready to continue? As in most monster movies, the creature appears dead at the end but isn't and sets up a sequel, in this case named "Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust". The only redeeming thing about this  movie is Gary Busey voicing the Gingerdead Man, other than that this movie should be avoided.
No, I wasn't making it up, its really about a homicidal cookie.

3. Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood

Just read the title, isn't that enough to convince you this is  a terrible movie? Like all the other Leprechaun movies, this one centers around the Leprechaun character killing people and reclaiming the gold they took from him, only it's in the ghetto, and this is the second movie in the series to have happened in the ghetto, hence the "2" in the title. There honestly isn't much more to it than that, terrible one liners, awful effects, and horrible acting. There is just so much of those three things it is almost unfathomable, not to mention at the point this movie was made the series had been beaten to death with terrible sequels ( this is the sixth Leprechaun movie) such as "Leprechaun 4: In Space". Do yourself a favor, don't see this movie.

2. C.H.U.D. II: Bud the C.H.U.D.

If you haven't seen the original C.H.U.D. go see it now! It is one of my favorite movies and a real classic, which is probably why I hate this movie so much. The movie follows three teenage boys who break into a Center for Disease Control and steal a body for a prank. Unfortunately it's a C.H.U.D. and it wakes up and goes on a killing spree, turning countless people into C.H.U.D.s as well. This movie has it all, bad acting, bad effects, bad production, bad dialogue, more or less bad everything. While I do detest this movie as a sequel to the first C.H.U.D., I have to tell you that it is pretty funny due to it's enormous follies. If you don't look to this movie to live up to the previous one, you can poke fun at how terrible it is, but only because it is just that, terrible.
Most peoples reaction while watching this movie.

1. Troll 2

A family takes a trip to the town of Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards) and is plagued by vegetarian goblins who turn humans into plants and eat them. Seriously, that's what the movie is about, and there are no trolls in the movie. You read that correctly, zero trolls are in this movie, and it is in no way connected to the movie "Troll". Did I mention that the ghost of the families grandfather shows up through out the movie to help out? There are not enough words in the English language to explain how terrible this movie is in every aspect, so I'll just leave you with this scene...


Hope you guys enjoyed my list, I've got my pumpkin carving post lined up and I should have it written in the next few days along with my visit to the local specialty shops around here. I'm going to put up a poll and give you guys a choice of what one of my next posts will be so be sure to vote!

Monday, October 4, 2010

5 Movies That Gave Me The Creeps, Made Me Jump, Or Made My Skin Crawl!

Every month I'll go through my movie collection and pick out five movies that actually gave me the heebie jeebies and post them on here for you to enjoy!
Hopefully I'll introduce you to some new titles and rekindle some old horror movie flames you haven't watched in years, lets get this thing started!

5. Stephen King's IT

Stephen King's IT is a movie that follows a group of young children through their lives into adult hood while they are terrorized by a homicidal, sewer-dwelling clown. Still interested? I knew you would be. Through out the movie we are treated to various scenes of Pennywise (our clown friend) harassing and scaring the shit out of our troop of victims, but one scene creeped me out more than any other in this movie. Granted, I was young when I first saw this movie, but this scene has stuck with me and I still catch my self staring at storm drains and walking around them! Towards the beginning of the movie, one of the main characters younger brother is playing out side after a storm. He is chasing his paper boat down the curb when it is swept into a storm drain, where Pennywise is waiting for him. After a brief conversation, the boy is convinced that Pennywise means him no harm and reaches in to retrieve his boat. It is then that Pennywise reveals his true intentions...


You'll never look at a sewer the same again...

4. Pee Wee's Big Adventure

"Pee Wee's Big Adventure?", you may be asking yourself, and "Yes!" is the answer. For the most part this movie is good, wholesome fun for the whole family, but there is one scene so insidious it makes even the toughest of grown men tremble and it's mere mention. I am of course talking about...Large Marge! During Pee Wee's adventure, he is hitch-hiking on a highway and is picked up by a woman driving a semi-truck. From the beginning it is obvious that something is amiss, and then the driver begins telling a story of a truck driver who was involved in an accident on the very same highway they were driving on. In gruesome detail, the woman describes the accident, and eventually reaches the line "And when they pulled her body from the twisted...burning...wreckage, she looked like...


This scene has haunted my dreams since I was a child and I don't think I'm ever going to recover from its absolute terror.

3. Psycho

This movie is a classic that I'm sure most,if not all, of you have at least heard of. Directed by a master of horror movies Alfred Hitchcock, and starring Anthony Perkins as the mentally unstable and very creepy Norman Bates. The movie it self is an excellent piece of horror cinema and should be mandatory for any fan of horror to watch, but there is one particular moment in this movie that has scared thousands of people away from the shower. In the movies most infamous scene, our victim steps into the shower to try and relax a bit. After some vigorous scrubbing a shadowy figure appears through the shower curtain, the figure rips the curtain back and begins stabbing wildly at our hopeless, showering companion...
Poor girl never had a chance.

The creepiest part of this scene for me was the slow zoom out from the girls eye while she lay dead on the bathroom floor, and this movie is why I will always have a clear shower curtain so no one can sneak up on me!

2. Halloween

Halloween is a personal favorite of mine, and a movie that truly scares me when I watch it. Another amazing horror director, John Carpenter brought terror to the town of Haddonfield in the form of Michael Myers. Carpenter also produced and wrote the score for the film, the score has always creeped me out, its very loud and harsh piano riffs and what I can only assume is some kind of synthesizer piercing through. While the entire presence of Michael Myers through out the film is eerie, from his signature lumber to those vacant eye holes in his mask, he makes a very prominent kill early on in the film that still makes me look over my shoulder on dark and scary nights. One of the group of girls in the movie, Annie, makes her way out of her house and to her car to pick up her boyfriend for a bit of the old horizontal tango while her parents are out for the night. She hops in the front seat but is puzzled by the presence of condensation on the glass in the car, before she can think Michael emerges from the darkness of the backseat...
Michael getting a little hot and heavy!

After a bit of strangling Michael slits Annie's throat and finishes the job, and there is not a night I can remember I haven't checked my back seat before getting in the car!

1. Jaws

The mother of all shark movies, Jaws has put a fear of the beach into many people through many generations. Even 35 years after this movies release it still hits a nerve and makes you afraid to venture too far out into the water. This movie single-handedly

 OH HAI!!!

Yes, you are going to need a bigger boat, perhaps a fleet of boats, with large guns mounted on them. For the record I still refuse to go more than knee deep into the ocean...


I hope you enjoyed my little run-down up there, I will be doing these every month and if there are any movies that actually scared you or movies I should know about for future lists leave them in the comments and I will be sure to check them out! Also in-store for the coming days I have planned to show you how to properly carve a pumpkin, give you a short list of horror movies NOT to see, and review a few more halloween goodies from local specialty stores, stay tuned!

(I also started another blog, it's about music I enjoy and I hope you join in on it! Music That Moves You )