Thursday, October 14, 2010

5 of the Worst Horror Movies I've Ever Seen

There are certain horror movies that jut fall short on so many different things it's hard to take them seriously, and then there are the movies that are so much worse than that there are no words that can describe how utterly lacking they really are. I have searched through my movie collection and picked out five of the worst movies I could find, be warned, if you go into to watching these movies expecting a serious horror film you will be so severely disappointed your entire body may implode, I can not guarantee your safety. If, however, you are looking for a good laugh at some absolutely absurd scenes from horror movies past, enjoy!

5. Killer Klowns from Outer Space

A troop of homicidal, alien clowns land their circus tent spaceship in a small town and terrorize its residents. Do I need to say more? Well I'm going to, while that one sentence may be enough to convince you this movie is probably not going to wow you, it gets worse. It is revealed that the "Klowns" are kidnapping towns people and wrapping them in a cotton candy cocoon that dissolves them into a liquid...which the "Klowns" then drink..through crazy straws. I think you can pretty much gather what the rest of the film is like from there, if you don't ever see this film you're not missing much, but its a good movie to watch if you're in need of a laugh.
No seriously, alien clowns with creme pies.

4. Gingerdead Man

The movie opens with serial killer Millard Findlemeyer, played by Gary Busey, shooting up a diner and killing half of the family that owns it, we're off to an okay start. Findlemeyer is aprehended and sentenced to death, he is then cremated and sent to his mother, who is a witch...bear with me. She mixes his ashes into a ginger bread cookie mix and sends it to the bakery the remaining family members her son hadn't murdered. After deciding to bake the mixture into a large gingerbread man, and accidentally electrocuting it somehow, the giant cookie springs to life and begins murdering people. Give yourself a moment and take all of that in, I'll wait...ready to continue? As in most monster movies, the creature appears dead at the end but isn't and sets up a sequel, in this case named "Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust". The only redeeming thing about this  movie is Gary Busey voicing the Gingerdead Man, other than that this movie should be avoided.
No, I wasn't making it up, its really about a homicidal cookie.

3. Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood

Just read the title, isn't that enough to convince you this is  a terrible movie? Like all the other Leprechaun movies, this one centers around the Leprechaun character killing people and reclaiming the gold they took from him, only it's in the ghetto, and this is the second movie in the series to have happened in the ghetto, hence the "2" in the title. There honestly isn't much more to it than that, terrible one liners, awful effects, and horrible acting. There is just so much of those three things it is almost unfathomable, not to mention at the point this movie was made the series had been beaten to death with terrible sequels ( this is the sixth Leprechaun movie) such as "Leprechaun 4: In Space". Do yourself a favor, don't see this movie.

2. C.H.U.D. II: Bud the C.H.U.D.

If you haven't seen the original C.H.U.D. go see it now! It is one of my favorite movies and a real classic, which is probably why I hate this movie so much. The movie follows three teenage boys who break into a Center for Disease Control and steal a body for a prank. Unfortunately it's a C.H.U.D. and it wakes up and goes on a killing spree, turning countless people into C.H.U.D.s as well. This movie has it all, bad acting, bad effects, bad production, bad dialogue, more or less bad everything. While I do detest this movie as a sequel to the first C.H.U.D., I have to tell you that it is pretty funny due to it's enormous follies. If you don't look to this movie to live up to the previous one, you can poke fun at how terrible it is, but only because it is just that, terrible.
Most peoples reaction while watching this movie.

1. Troll 2

A family takes a trip to the town of Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards) and is plagued by vegetarian goblins who turn humans into plants and eat them. Seriously, that's what the movie is about, and there are no trolls in the movie. You read that correctly, zero trolls are in this movie, and it is in no way connected to the movie "Troll". Did I mention that the ghost of the families grandfather shows up through out the movie to help out? There are not enough words in the English language to explain how terrible this movie is in every aspect, so I'll just leave you with this scene...


Hope you guys enjoyed my list, I've got my pumpkin carving post lined up and I should have it written in the next few days along with my visit to the local specialty shops around here. I'm going to put up a poll and give you guys a choice of what one of my next posts will be so be sure to vote!

Monday, October 4, 2010

5 Movies That Gave Me The Creeps, Made Me Jump, Or Made My Skin Crawl!

Every month I'll go through my movie collection and pick out five movies that actually gave me the heebie jeebies and post them on here for you to enjoy!
Hopefully I'll introduce you to some new titles and rekindle some old horror movie flames you haven't watched in years, lets get this thing started!

5. Stephen King's IT

Stephen King's IT is a movie that follows a group of young children through their lives into adult hood while they are terrorized by a homicidal, sewer-dwelling clown. Still interested? I knew you would be. Through out the movie we are treated to various scenes of Pennywise (our clown friend) harassing and scaring the shit out of our troop of victims, but one scene creeped me out more than any other in this movie. Granted, I was young when I first saw this movie, but this scene has stuck with me and I still catch my self staring at storm drains and walking around them! Towards the beginning of the movie, one of the main characters younger brother is playing out side after a storm. He is chasing his paper boat down the curb when it is swept into a storm drain, where Pennywise is waiting for him. After a brief conversation, the boy is convinced that Pennywise means him no harm and reaches in to retrieve his boat. It is then that Pennywise reveals his true intentions...


You'll never look at a sewer the same again...

4. Pee Wee's Big Adventure

"Pee Wee's Big Adventure?", you may be asking yourself, and "Yes!" is the answer. For the most part this movie is good, wholesome fun for the whole family, but there is one scene so insidious it makes even the toughest of grown men tremble and it's mere mention. I am of course talking about...Large Marge! During Pee Wee's adventure, he is hitch-hiking on a highway and is picked up by a woman driving a semi-truck. From the beginning it is obvious that something is amiss, and then the driver begins telling a story of a truck driver who was involved in an accident on the very same highway they were driving on. In gruesome detail, the woman describes the accident, and eventually reaches the line "And when they pulled her body from the twisted...burning...wreckage, she looked like...


This scene has haunted my dreams since I was a child and I don't think I'm ever going to recover from its absolute terror.

3. Psycho

This movie is a classic that I'm sure most,if not all, of you have at least heard of. Directed by a master of horror movies Alfred Hitchcock, and starring Anthony Perkins as the mentally unstable and very creepy Norman Bates. The movie it self is an excellent piece of horror cinema and should be mandatory for any fan of horror to watch, but there is one particular moment in this movie that has scared thousands of people away from the shower. In the movies most infamous scene, our victim steps into the shower to try and relax a bit. After some vigorous scrubbing a shadowy figure appears through the shower curtain, the figure rips the curtain back and begins stabbing wildly at our hopeless, showering companion...
Poor girl never had a chance.

The creepiest part of this scene for me was the slow zoom out from the girls eye while she lay dead on the bathroom floor, and this movie is why I will always have a clear shower curtain so no one can sneak up on me!

2. Halloween

Halloween is a personal favorite of mine, and a movie that truly scares me when I watch it. Another amazing horror director, John Carpenter brought terror to the town of Haddonfield in the form of Michael Myers. Carpenter also produced and wrote the score for the film, the score has always creeped me out, its very loud and harsh piano riffs and what I can only assume is some kind of synthesizer piercing through. While the entire presence of Michael Myers through out the film is eerie, from his signature lumber to those vacant eye holes in his mask, he makes a very prominent kill early on in the film that still makes me look over my shoulder on dark and scary nights. One of the group of girls in the movie, Annie, makes her way out of her house and to her car to pick up her boyfriend for a bit of the old horizontal tango while her parents are out for the night. She hops in the front seat but is puzzled by the presence of condensation on the glass in the car, before she can think Michael emerges from the darkness of the backseat...
Michael getting a little hot and heavy!

After a bit of strangling Michael slits Annie's throat and finishes the job, and there is not a night I can remember I haven't checked my back seat before getting in the car!

1. Jaws

The mother of all shark movies, Jaws has put a fear of the beach into many people through many generations. Even 35 years after this movies release it still hits a nerve and makes you afraid to venture too far out into the water. This movie single-handedly

 OH HAI!!!

Yes, you are going to need a bigger boat, perhaps a fleet of boats, with large guns mounted on them. For the record I still refuse to go more than knee deep into the ocean...


I hope you enjoyed my little run-down up there, I will be doing these every month and if there are any movies that actually scared you or movies I should know about for future lists leave them in the comments and I will be sure to check them out! Also in-store for the coming days I have planned to show you how to properly carve a pumpkin, give you a short list of horror movies NOT to see, and review a few more halloween goodies from local specialty stores, stay tuned!

(I also started another blog, it's about music I enjoy and I hope you join in on it! Music That Moves You )

Tuesday, September 28, 2010



Evil Dead II is, obviously, the second series in the Evil Dead trilogy. Directed by Sam Raimi and written by Raimi and Scott Spiegel, it was my introduction to the series and really turned me on to watching b-movies and straight to video horror movies at a young age.

The movie begins by recapping the previous event from Evil Dead. Our hero Ash  and his girlfriend are staying in a remote cabin when he finds a recording of an archaeologist reciting passages from the Necronomicon Ex-mortis. This apparently opens the flood gates to hell and releases all kinds of nasty spirits to torment and possess our friends in the cabin. Ash's girlfriend becomes host to an evil spirit and he promptly decapitates her and burries her, and this is just the beginning of the movie!

A bit of light reading always puts the mind at ease!

Here is where the movie continues the story. Ash has just buried his lady and is mourning  over her grave when he is knocked into a tree, drug through the forrest, and thrown face first into what can only be described as an extremely large puddle of mud and filth. He lays there for a moment, appearing to be unconscious, and then this happens...

You got something on your face there, no other know what forget I said anything!

Oh dear things aren't looking too good for our hero, first his girlfriend and now him, fortunately whatever Ash released is scared off by the sun rising and it leaves his body.
After this encounter Ash decides it is time to get the hell out of Dodge and hops in his car, unfortunately the bridge he cam in on is a mangled wreck and completely impassable. After wailing like a banshee for a few seconds Ash begins to notice something is amiss, the sun is going down again! Once again turning to his trusty car, Ash floors it back to the cabin, and we are treated to a nice scene of the evil spirit chasing him through the woods! Upon reaching the cabin once more, Ash tears through the front door and the demon is hot on his heels, an absolutely hilarious chase ensues and Ash eventually loses his pursuer.

At this point we are introduced to Annie and Ed, what a pair. Annie is the daughter of the archaeologist from the recording at the beginning of the movie and Ed is his associate. Unable to contact her father, Annie and Ed beat a hot path towards his last known location, the cabin. They eventually reach the destroyed bridge and meet our other duo, Jake and Bobby Jo! Being locals, Jake and Bobby Jo naturally know a way around the bridge and offer to show Annie and Ed.

The movie then cuts back to Ash in the cabin, the next sequence is one of the most memorable for me. Staring out a window into the woods, Ash's girlfriend is reanimated and performs a ballet routine and even rolls her own head down her arm and back onto her neck, BRILLIANT! She eventually attacks Ash and his first reaction is to run to the tools shed and throw her head in a really, pretty awesome! He turns to grab the chainsaw but all that is there is a chalk drawing of one, did you hear me, a chalk drawing! Ash looks at the wall quite puzzled when his girlfriend's body comes charging through the door with the chainsaw in hand! After a brief struggle Ash obtains the chainsaw and takes the body down. He then approaches his girlfriends head still in the vice, and goes to work!
  That was good but could you grimace harder, PERFECT!

Ash returns to the cabin after his battle with his undead girlfriend, and so begins my favorite part of the film. A rocking chair in the living room begins to rock on its own, Ash cautiously approaches it knowing it is probably a trap. He reaches out to stop the chair, but just before he reaches it the chair stops on its own. Attempting to gain his composure, he looks in a mirror on the wall and tells him self everything is fine, but you and i know better than that. His reflection lunges at him through the mirror, reaching out and grabbing him while making a few smart ass remarks about Ash's situation before vanishing.  At this point Ash is beginning to completely lose his marbles, and just when the situation seems to be under control, his hand falls victim to the evil spirit lurking about! His hand begins attacking him and it is obvious to Ash what course of action is required. Pinning his hand to the floor with a knife he starts the chainsaw and begins to slowly lower it onto his wrist while howling and screaming at his hand and no doubt from the sheer pain!
Ash playing a show with his death metal band The Wretched Boomsticks!

Are you still with me? I know that last paragraph took a lot out of you but if you can believe it, it gets even better!

Ash traps his hand under a pail, and of course it escapes with relative ease. Ash begins firing his shotgun wildly into the wall attempting to locate and kill his newly demonized appendage. Eventually it appears that Ash has finally hit his mark as blood begins to trickle from a hole in the wall, he approaches the wall and hears his hand shrieking and dieing. The blood flow begins to increase from the hole and Ash is just left staring into the void in the wall, when all of a sudden...


Gallon upon gallons of blood begin spewing from the wall, engulfing Ash in a tidal wave of goopy red mess! After a few more seconds of being bombarded with gore the blood is sucked back into the wall from which it came. It is at this point that any grain of sanity is stripped from Ash's mind and he really begins to lose it. Ash falls backwards onto the afore mentioned rocking chair and breaks it, the deer head mounted on the wall begins laughing wildly with a very creepy expression on its face! The furniture in the house springs to life joining in and all having a good laugh, even Ash is in a fit of laughter!


The laughing stops all at once when Ash hears a noise at the front door and fires off a shot through it. Turns out its the quartet from earlier arriving and Ash has grazed Bobby Jo, after seeing all the blood and the chainsaw Annie assumes Ash has murdered her parents. Ed and Jake subdue him and thrown him into the cellar, which will prove to be a very bad idea!

After discovering the recorder and further listening to it our party discovers it was actually the evil spirit released by Annie's father originally reading from the Necronomicon that killed her parents. Apparently Annie's mom(Henrietta) first became host to the demon and her father was forced to kill and bury the cellar. Henrietta's possessed body the attacks Ash as he desperately tries to free him self from the cellar. He is eventually freed from the cellar and Henrietta is locked in the cellar once again. The demon pokes its head through the crack in the cellar door and begins to sing a lullaby as the human form of Henrietta to Annie. Ash stops her from freeing her mother, but unfortunately the spirit decides Ed's body looks much more hospitable and possesses him. Ash seems to be getting the hang of this killing thing and makes short work of ol' Ed with an ax!

The gum disease known as gingivitis!

Then Annie's father appears to the group as a spirit telling them that Annie can defeat the evil spirits using the pages from the necronomicon! NO WAY!!! Bobby Jo is holding Jake's hand but his grip is a bit to firm for her, she realizes that she isn't holding Jake's hand but actually Ash's possessed hand from earlier and runs screaming out of the cabin. After a brief jog through the forrest she becomes a victim of the trees, that's right, the trees kill her, with their branches and vines! Jake then demands Ash and Annie out the door with a shotgun, and throws the pages of the necronomicon into the cellar after Ash tries to convince him that Bobby Jo is dead. The group make their way into the woods but the path is gone and they are soon attacked by the demon again with throws Jake off into the woods and posses Ash once more.

"You got some 'splaning to doooooo!"

Annie runs back into the cabin and grabs a dagger made of bone that apparently accompanied the pages of the necronomicon and waits for Ash to make his move. Unfortunately, Jake decides to try and make his way back into cabin and Annie ends up stabbing him instead, she drags his body inside but he's a bit to close to the cellar door and Henrietta gets ahold of him, oops! Ash decides it is an opportune moment and attacks Annie but manages to regains his body after recognizing her necklace he ripped while attacking her. Ash and Annie then agree to put a stop to all this evil nonsense once and for all! They head out to the tool shed where our hero is finally put into full form! Ash connects the chainsaw to his severed hand and fashions a holster for his shotgun, and while he completes his image he admires his handy work and delivers quite possibly the most amazing line in cinematic history...


GROOVY! What exquisite perfection! After that little montage the pair return to the cabin for the final battle. Ash makes his way into the cellar to retrieve the pages Jake had thrown in earlier and sure enough Henrietta is waiting for him! The two fight their way out of the cellar and Ash seems to be on the winning end until Henrietta transforms into a truly horrific monster and begins beating the crap out of Ash. Annie distracts what used to be her mother by singing the lullaby her mother used to sing to her, Ash takes the opportunity to cut that things head off with his chainsaw and finished the job by popping off a shot into its head!

"I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!"

Annie then begins reciting the passages from the necronomicon and a large vortex opens up outside the cabin and begins to suck everything into itself, including the evil. As Annie is finishing the final words of the incantation Ash's possessed hand has it final revenge and stabs Annie in the back! She manages to mutter out the last bits of the spell, and Ash is sucked into the vortex before it disappears. When then cut to what appears to be a dessert and Ash is falling from the sky along with his car, he looks up and is surrounded by medieval knights who appear to be prepared to kill him! A large demonic creature swoops down from the sky and the knights run in terror, but Ash knows how to handle this problem and blows the things head off with his shot gun! The knights all cheer him and as the camera pans out our hero shakes his head in disbelief and gives us one last guttural scream...



This is one of my favorite horror movies and it holds a very special place in my heart, I was lucky to have it as one of my first horror movies as it set me up to appreciate the b-movies just as much as the big studio ones. If you haven't seen this movie yet SEE IT! And see the first and third ones too, they are all great! They gave us the iconic character of Ash and so many classic one liners like "Groovy!", "This is my BOOMSTICK!", and "Give me some sugar baby!" its just impossible not to like these movies, even if its just a little bit. You won't regret watching this trilogy and you will thank yourself in the end, trust me!


Monday, September 27, 2010

Halloween Insanity!

I ventured out into a few local stores today and snapped some pictures of what I found!

It is safe to say that the season is well underway at major chains and seasonal stores have also started popping up, and to be honest I'm almost giddy with excitement!

I picked out a few of my favorite things from each store for all you ghouls and gals to enjoy, so here we go!

To start off I visited a local big retail store, you know the one with all the blue and yellow and the roll-backs, and there was a crap load of candy!

After tearing through the mass of boxes, I found tucked away in a dark and cobweb layered corner, this piece of culinary  terror!

I can only image that when bitten into the heart oozes a disturbing amount of red jelly-like filling!
After finding that little gem I ventured over to the decoration aisle and found the standard heaps of skulls and over-sized rats populating the aisle. There was one thing, however, that actually caught my eye.

I had to press the button, it was beckoning to me, and I was in for a treat when I did!
Apparently pressing the button releases a bloodthirsty tarantula (roughly the size of a nickle) from the pumpkins mouth fast enough to remove a finger if placed correctly!
Did it scare me? Yes. Did I then make my friend press the button and laugh when he jumped? Of Course!

After a good scare it was off to the next store! ( The one with a target for a know the one)

Much of the same as the last store, but the labeling was MUCH more entertaining!

For example, THE BAG O' OLD BONES!

Literally a mesh sack full of bones, nothing special, but the creativity of the name alone must be worth it right?!

And lets not forget our friend, HANGING OMINOUS MUMMY!

I never figured out why he was ominous, it made no sounds, it didn't move, it just hung there.

In all of the halloween fury it appeared me and my friend had been separated , after searching the dark corridors of candy and decorations I found him doing this!

Obviously the victim of some kind of voodoo I quickly realized there was no hope and high-tailed it out of there!

So that's it! It was a decent trip and I had a great time running around all the aisles like a little kid!
I did make it out to some local seasonal shops and I will write another post on those in the coming days, also a movie review of a classic horror/comedy film will accompany it! So stay tuned!

I'll leave you with one last picture, for what ever reason, this mask gave me the creeps, i'm still not sure why but it still does just looking at it...

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Halloween Season Is Upon Us!

September marked the start of a holiday season that is my personal favorite, HALLOWEEN!

Through out the season I will be reporting on the various candies, costumes, decorations, and goodies that I come across in my quest for the ultimate Halloween experience!

I will also be reviewing several favorite horror movies and local haunted houses!

Stay tuned and expect my next post in the next few days to kick-off the Halloween season right!